Relationships are not earned

We often think of relationships as things we can - or even have to - earn.

This causes two major problems:

believing we are entitled to a relationship because we’ve “earned” it
perceiving all rejection as a failure to “earn” someone’s love, attraction, etc.


While healthy relationships do require effort, a relationship is not founded on a list of Good Things You Have Done.


Sure, if you’re a jerk people are less likely to want to be around you, and sure, if you do nice things someone might appreciate them. But it’s not automatic. Do nice things because it’s nice to do nice things. Change hurtful behaviour because it’s good to avoid hurting people. Don’t do that stuff solely because you think it will earn you something.


Relationships are not simple transactions. Even when you are hiring someone, they have the right to decide at any point that the relationship or position you’re offering isn’t right for them - and they might, even if you’ve offered all you can, even if you’ve been nice.


It’s not cut-and dried, it’s not a vending machine. You don’t put good deeds (or money) in and get love (or sex, or friendship) out, and you don’t put bad deeds in and get rejection out. Those are a few ingredients of many; a relationship does not automatically occur or fail in their presence.


People come to relationships with their own sets of needs and desires and abilities; and all those factors interact with the needs, desires, and abilities of the other person or people in the relationship. Sometimes it works out well, sometimes it works out less well. But it’s a lot more complicated than whether or not you “earned” it.

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